"Kelli, you probably need to read...

... The Strong-Willed Child.  I have it.  I had to read it because of you."
              - Mom

More on breastfeeding... and life.

It's been two and a half weeks and I've given up on breast feeding.  What a wimp, huh?  Here's the deal, she's a biter with a TERRIBLE latch.  We fought it and fought it, I called different lactation consultants and received no professional support; they wouldn't call me back or required $125 dollars for advice.  The whole ordeal was very frustrating for me and, little to my knowledge, Waverly was feeling it.  It required too much of my time since she was feeding for up to 20 minutes on each side, not to mention the fact that she would fall asleep, so I'd spend MORE time trying to wake her up and keep her going.  On top of all that, Waverly didn't reach her birth weight by her two week appointment, so her pediatrician wanted me to supplement breast feeding with formula.  Breasts don't make formula, so I fed her from a bottle and you know what happens when a baby is breast feeding and bottle feeding?  Nipple confusion... That's a whole other frustration. 

Breast feeding became the whole bane of my existence.  I waffled back and forth between whether or not I wanted to continue or switch to formula.  I have been extremely torn in this decision because I know the great benefits of breast milk, yet my relationship with Waverly was struggling.  I have felt overwhelming guilt because I am giving up on what I know is the absolute best for my baby and I've only given it two and a half weeks; however, it's been too much of a fight, physically, mentally, and emotionally.

So, I'm bottle feeding.  I still pump so she can get a little breast milk every day and it puts my mind more at ease.  Feeding time has been more peaceful and just from making a decision, I can enjoy my little girl and not be consumed with this dilemma.

I guess the guilt will wear off with time.

It's overwhelming to me how much I want the best for our daughter.  It's true what they say that you never know you can love someone so much and so differently than you love anybody else.  It's an incredible connection that a mother has with her babies and it is nothing that can be explained, you just have to experience it to understand.

Keeping that in mind, the unconditional, overwhelming love I have for Waverly, is what helps get me through the tough days.  I'm still trying to figure out this mom stuff and it's not easy, not that anyone ever said it would be, nor did I ever think it would be, but it's a wonderful experience that I wouldn't trade for anything.

It is hard to fathom that this little baby trusts two 23 year olds with her life.  She has no doubt that Chandler and I are capable of providing for her and that's kind of a scary thought.  To have someone in this world that totally and completely relies on you for everything without worrying about whether or not your capable.  No pressure, right?

P.S.

Breast feeding is hard.